An Open Letter to Voldemort from The Death Eaters

May 7, 2017


Dear V,

Hey, we heard about your recent death. Sorry, bro. I’m sorry we weren’t all there for you but, we have lives too, y’know? But we know how it went down–it’s pretty much common knowledge now.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think you should have won. You were clearly the better wizard, and you out-dueled Harry Potter every single time you met. He didn’t even kill you. You’d be alive right now if it weren’t for that little mishap. Tough break. But we were able to infiltrate the Ministry and get someone undercover in there, so I thought it might cheer you up if I fill you in on how things are doing around here.

First, Harry married Ginny Weasley and became an Auror. No need to roll your eyes, because he sucks at it. Every time he walks into work, he says that he’s the “Chosen One” and doesn’t have to do anything. Then he sits down and Googles the latest Quidditch game outcomes all day. It’s really annoying.

And Ginny…do you remember her? She was in the story from day one, but no one gave one shit about her until she started sleeping with Harry. And even then, it was only to find out how her relationship with Harry was. Anyway, she was the red-headed girl who was always crying every time you saw her.

Wait, you must remember! You used her as your minion the open the Chamber of Secrets! I have to commend you on that one. All this time the audience is biting their nails, trying to figure who it’s going to be and then…Ginny.

Audience Member 1: Well, what? Ginny? Who gives a shit? Does anyone even remember her?

Audience Member 2: Yeah, she was Ron’s little sister. You saw her for .365 seconds in the first film. Remember?

Audience Member 1: No…should I care?

Audience Member 2: Nah.

Clever One, V. I think that softened people up a little. They were so scared you were going to target somebody that actually mattered.

But anyways, Ginny got really sick of all that. Every time she came to Harry’s work to have lunch with him, people kept coming to congratulate him and then ask her who she was. Sometimes, Harry would get so lost in signing autographs that even he’d lean over and ask who she was. She started wearing a shirt that read, “Harry Potter’s Wife”, to clear it all up. But, well, she only started a trend and now, every Friday at the Ministry of Magic, it’s Harry Potter Wife day. All the women dress up with that shirt.

Well…let’s just say, after that, Ginny didn’t make it.

And Harry’s fathering skills leave something to be desired, so…I guess Snape was right.

Also, Ron and Hermione married as well. Even you have to laugh at that. Whatever you’re thinking about it, you’re exactly right.

Their marriage struggled for the first year because they had a real hard time conceiving. Oh, they were both fertile and able and everything. But each time they made love, Hermione made Ron read and sign the chart she made. It showed what positions they would do, for how long, and when to switch. Ron had a real hard time remembering it all, which made Hermione just groan in frustration. It was a constant battle.

How did they conceive? Well, Hermione eventually just broke down and relied on the Imperious Curse. She only bewitched Ron long enough to get him to do what she wanted, and then she released him.

What, you say? Our straight-as-an-arrow Hermione using an Unforgiveable Curse? Yes, desperate times and all. And there’s really no room for judgment. Ron Weasley in the bedroom? Now, that was Unforgiveable.

Hmmm…who else it left to tell you about?

Oh, how about Luna Lovegood? Remember her? She was the girl skipping through the dueling and carnage of that last battle. Well, she still does that.

Throughout her whole experience with you and us, Luna discovered that she felt most alive, most invigorated, during war. Oodles of death was the only thing that really made her smile. I think you would have liked her if you’d only given her a chance.

So, anyway, she moved to Romania to live with Charlie Weasley. They’re training and working to prepare a wide-scale dragon attack on the muggle world. No news of that yet, but will send another letter with updates later.

I guess the only one left to mention is Neville Longbottom. He was the one who killed your snake. Sorry about that one, V. I know he really emasculated you there.

Soon after your death, though, Harry Potter released a petition and made everyone who was still alive sign it. It said that he, Harry Potter, had actually been the one who killed Nagini. There was apparently some confusion that occurred, because Neville was of similar height and had the same hair, skin complexion, etc. But, Harry Potter wanted witnesses to sign and confirm that it was he who did the killing.

Soon after that, Neville left, and no one has heard from him since.

Well, that’s all I can think of for now. I hope hell is as nice as you always imagined it. Don’t trouble yourself too much with thinking of us. It’s all so much worse than you could even imagine.

Much Love,

The Death Eaters

P.S. I have to confess something. I did purposely leave out one thing…which was mentioning Draco Malfoy. I didn’t want to upset you. He was so promising once, I know. No matter how mean he was to Harry every chance he got, his crush on the boy could not be contained. Anyway, now he’s…well, he’s…a ballerina. Turns out that Slytherin, as well as doing your bidding, was incredibly useful for him. Acting like a snake did incredible things for his grace and poise, and he’s decided to put his talents to good use. Well, don’t worry. We’ve all taken a vow to never speak of him. And Lucius has been in a self-induced coma, so we’re not sure we’ll see the poor chap again.

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